Before the kids from F.R.I.E.N.D.S and How I Met Your Mother were gallivanting around in New York and getting tangled up in (unnecessary) romantic messes, there was a group of fine, upstanding, amoral and eccentric fellows from Seinfeld, who unleashed havoc on innocent bystanders on a regular basis. Yes, I am obsessed with Seinfeld. Yes, I am recapturing the glorious bits of the show about nothing; you can call it the Greatest Hits. I call it SeinfeldVision (Thank you, 30 Rock).
Seinfeld might have been copied and raped by TV sitcoms that succeeded it, but one area where they still reign supreme are the nicknames the protagonists give to other characters. Wildly imaginative and supremely catchy, here are my top 8 favourite nicknames from the show:
Nickname: The Bra-less Wonder
Episode: The Caddy, Season 7, Episode 12
Ah, Sue Ellen Mischke, heiress to the Oh Henry! candy bar empire, arch nemesis to Elaine and of course, the Bra-less Wonder. A very free spirit, Sue Ellen, has a penchant for roaming around without a bra, which aggravates Elaine enough to call her the Bra-less Wonder. Angered, Elaine not so subtly gifts her a bra for her birthday. By the end of the episode, Sue Ellen goes from the Bra-less Wonder to Wonder Bra Woman, when she coolly wears Elaine’s gift as a top. With a snazzy jacket, of course.
Nickname: The Bubble Boy
Episode: The Bubble Boy, Season 4, Episode 7
The thought of a young boy, trapped in a sealed plastic environment due to a poor immune system might seem sad. That is what everyone thought when the Bubble Boy’s father asked Jerry, the boy’s favourite comedian, to visit him. Little did anyone know that the Bubble Boy is a mean, insolent and bratty kid who would have definitely been punched in the face, well, if there weren’t any plastic bubble divider. The game of Trivial Pursuit that is played between him and George is simply epic. Moops!
Nickname: The Low Talker
Episode: The Puffy Shirt, Season 5, Episode 2
Seinfeld has always been the pioneers in propagating knowledge about inherent trivial truths. The Low Talker is one of such truths. They are people who talk so softly that they cannot be heard and their words are misinterpreted. Being part of polite society, we do not ask the low talkers to raise their voice or repeat words incessantly, we merely sit and nod. Which is what Jerry did with Kramer’s girlfriend, the Low Talker, and ended up wearing a puffy pirate-esque shirt on national television – for a charity special about clothing the homeless.
Episode: The Junior Mint, Season 4, Episode 20
Jerry has so many girlfriends, that sometimes, he forgets their names. Cue in his latest girlfriend who claims innocently that she was teased a lot growing up because her name rhymed with a part of the female anatomy. This is Jerry’s only clue to her name and after going through many names (Aretha, Bovary, Loleola) his best shot was Mulva. Her name turned out to be Dolores (guess, guess).
Nickname: The Virgin
Episode: The Virgin, Season 4, Episode 10
The nickname is pretty self-explanatory. Jerry’s new girlfriend/closet space arranger is a virgin, a fact that frustrates Jerry to no end. She is constantly referred to as the Virgin by the rest of the gang. Elaine’s story of flying diaphragms, the no-masturbation contest between the gang, and other deviant activities end up terrorizing the Virgin and she leaves only to wound up in the bed and the arms of John F Kennedy Jr.
Nickname: Pimple Popper M.D.
Episode: The Slicer, Season 9, Episode 7
Dermatologists are not lifesavers. This is what Jerry Seinfeld will have you believe if he had his way. Sara, a doctor Jerry dates, makes him feel worthless because he is a comedian instead of being a lifesaving hotshot doctor like her. On hearing that she is a paltry dermatologist and not a fancy cardiologist, a frustrated Jerry accosts her and goes on a rant where he calls her Pimple Popper M.D. This is swiftly followed by a man thanking the Pimple Popper for saving his life from skin cancer. Ouch.
Nickname: The Close-Talker
Episode: The Raincoats, Season 5, Episode 18
Aaron, Elaine’s boyfriend, probably did not know what invasion of personal space means. He is referred to as the Close-Talker because of his love for standing extremely close to a person while talking. Watch the clip, I implore you, watch the clip.
Nickname: The Soup Nazi
Episode: The Soup Nazi, Season 7, Episode 6
The Soup Nazi, or the genius soup maker who rules with an iron fist, is probably one of the best of the nicknames on the show. Armed with a dangerous catchphrase “No soup for you!” the Soup Nazi is an eccentric man, who runs his soup shop much like Hitler ran the concentration camps. He dictated to all his customers to follow his strict instructions in the matters of queuing and ordering, in return for some delicious soup. Alas, a banned and defiant Elaine seeks revenge and destroys his business and which sees the Soup Nazi sailing off to South America. NEXT!